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My Dearest Child

Sunday 20 December 2009, by SPIAL : Santa’s Politically Incorrect Alternative Letters

Thank you for your extraordinary letter: it’s been added to my never-ending collection of unbelievable letters just like it. What a perfect pupil you esteem yourself to be: an example to others. I wonder how big your head is. It must be quite large if you’re that smart. You know, all those reindeer stories you’ve heard are not true. But I suppose you already knew that, considering your "Oh so great" intelligence. You deserve a whipping, just like I give my scrawny elves.

The weirdest is that you all love me! Why ? I loathe you! Maybe it’s my outfit... I tried adding a "I hate children" patch on it, but Mrs "You can’t do that to the children" (aka Mrs Claus) said that I wasn’t allowed.

You ask if I am real... Well you are writing to me, aren’t you? What did you expect, some school would receive your letter and give it to some random pupil that would answer you randomly, taking over Santa’s identity? Some imagination...

About your presents... You’ll have to learn to appreciate the big and beautiful "emmptiness" that will be waiting for you under your plastic garage sale Christmas tree on Christmas morning.

Now I have to go. I must be getting to more important higher-class things such as ordering my ticket to Hawaii for the vacation I’ll be attending to once the "Joly" of winter is over.

xxx Santa

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